Category Archives: News

Editorial: I’m Utterly Astonished

Six Bananas, a first here at Cannibalism Today. I can not be any more amused. I’m shocked by the amount of amusement. I would have to now say that every one of our astonishing principles of Totalitarianism has been fully … Continue reading

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July 4th – 3,226 Requests for Government Assistance

Oppressed citizens around the world are calling out for help with their health, safety, and welfare. It is the duty of the US Government and the joy of Satan to respond by making citizens free from personal responsibility. Our representative … Continue reading

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Breaking News

Jesus Potus begins raising people from the dead “It’s called Obamacare because the President cares.” With the approval of the Supreme Court and Justice Roberts, Jesus Potus is finally free to begin raising people from the dead, just like Jesus … Continue reading

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Excerpt from the SCOTUS Ruling

“The time has come,” the Justice said, “To talk of many things: Of shoes — and ships — and sealing-wax — Of cabbages — and kings — And why the sea is boiling hot — And whether pigs have wings.” … Continue reading

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Discrimination Outlawed in All 50 States

An historic victory was won today. The SCOTUS has RULED (and rightly so) that the Congress may coerce (using gun-toting, drone-owning tax collectors) any and all citizens of this fair land who exercise discrimination. Within the next year, we anticipate … Continue reading

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SCOTUS Upholds Tax on Unbelievers

The Supreme Court of the United States today upheld the right of the Legislative branch to tax those who do not worship at the feet of the Cannibal God, the US Government. Our victory is guaranteed. In the majority opinion, … Continue reading

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Postcards From Home

Presidential hopeful Joe Biden recently sent these edifying photographs from home to remind us of the great land we live in. “I would like to blindfold Americans and take them into some of the airports or ports in China, and … Continue reading

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