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Category Archives: News
Editorial: I’m Utterly Astonished
Six Bananas, a first here at Cannibalism Today. I can not be any more amused. I’m shocked by the amount of amusement. I would have to now say that every one of our astonishing principles of Totalitarianism has been fully … Continue reading
July 4th – 3,226 Requests for Government Assistance
Oppressed citizens around the world are calling out for help with their health, safety, and welfare. It is the duty of the US Government and the joy of Satan to respond by making citizens free from personal responsibility. Our representative … Continue reading
Posted in How To Guides, Inspiration, News
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Breaking News
Jesus Potus begins raising people from the dead “It’s called Obamacare because the President cares.” With the approval of the Supreme Court and Justice Roberts, Jesus Potus is finally free to begin raising people from the dead, just like Jesus … Continue reading
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Excerpt from the SCOTUS Ruling
“The time has come,” the Justice said, “To talk of many things: Of shoes — and ships — and sealing-wax — Of cabbages — and kings — And why the sea is boiling hot — And whether pigs have wings.” … Continue reading
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Discrimination Outlawed in All 50 States
An historic victory was won today. The SCOTUS has RULED (and rightly so) that the Congress may coerce (using gun-toting, drone-owning tax collectors) any and all citizens of this fair land who exercise discrimination. Within the next year, we anticipate … Continue reading
Posted in Continuing Education, News
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SCOTUS Upholds Tax on Unbelievers
The Supreme Court of the United States today upheld the right of the Legislative branch to tax those who do not worship at the feet of the Cannibal God, the US Government. Our victory is guaranteed. In the majority opinion, … Continue reading
Posted in Mission, News
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Postcards From Home
Presidential hopeful Joe Biden recently sent these edifying photographs from home to remind us of the great land we live in. “I would like to blindfold Americans and take them into some of the airports or ports in China, and … Continue reading
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Home Sweet Affordable Home
For any of your livestock that is without shelter, we have built some nice little red homes. Each of the homes is LEED certified, in deference to your environmental sensibility. Homes are not just sweet anymore! They’re affordable! The Making … Continue reading
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US Treasury: We Are Not Child-Molesters
The US Treasury today announced that they, too, were not guilty of child-molestation, amid cries from citizens that the Federal Government was promoting and instigating acts of violence and perversion against children around the nation. “We do not believe that … Continue reading
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Seattle Public Schools: We Are Not Child-Molesters
Warning: Graphic Language Superintendent Scott Fenter defended the principal’s action to local media and said that the lesson did not go too far. “I think the principal handled it appropriately at the time; she only gave factual information, no demonstrations,” … Continue reading
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