US Treasury: We Are Not Child-Molesters

The US Treasury today announced that they, too, were not guilty of child-molestation, amid cries from citizens that the Federal Government was promoting and instigating acts of violence and perversion against children around the nation.

“We do not believe that $16 trillion in debt is too great for anyone’s children and grandchildren to bear. The $21 trillion in interest makes that amount seem trivial anyway, and even that amount can be dissolved by keeping interest rates low. And the $120 trillion of “promised” entitlements is not really debt, it is only an unfunded mandate that they can choose to ignore or to print when the time comes. If they ignore it, they can tell granny that the taxes we extracted from her for Social Security are no longer available, that they were used to enrich ourselves, the UN, and the third world, and to promote our vision for the future. We will be dead when the bills come due,”  Treasury officials said.

A number of members of Congress were quick to echo the sentiments of the Treasury. Many of these congressmen were the same who passed the laws enabling the Treasury to borrow the money from the printing press owners so Congress could spend it.

“We are not child-molesters. The debt and deficit are lawful and just, and will continue to be so. We write the laws. That is our monopoly and moral right.” said one Senator.

A gay Congresswoman was quoted as saying “Look, the president now supports butt-fucking. He has made our surreptitious policy formal. Deal with it. Enough is enough, any additional debate is just so much redundancy and repetition. It’s bird shit. Stick that in your pipe, stick your lips on it, and smoke it, you gun-stroking, Bible-humping assholes.”

“What’s a trillion dollars,” said another Senator. “It’s nothing, and you don’t know shit from the Shinola I polish my patent leathers with, even if you are from Shiner, Texas,” he added.


Suicidal detractors of Cannibalism read imaginary conspiracy theories between the lines of the latest Treasury Report.

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CANNIBALISMTODAY :: THE Magazine for the Modern Totalitarian
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